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Thank you, and welcome to the Jesselnik
Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How

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you kids doing tonight?

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Fantastic.

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We have got another perfect show for you
tonight. Doug Benson and Brian Postain

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are here.

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A lot of horrible things. A lot of
horrible things happened in the news

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week. And when it rains, it pours.

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Believe it or not, Justin Bieber was
booed at his concert in London last

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After he took the stage... Yeah.

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Cheer that boo.

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After he took the stage two hours later
than his scheduled time.

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But in his defense, Usher takes forever
to...

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Would you guys... Would you guys

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bleep that?

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Come on!

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Do I have to come up there?

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I will all over the place.

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I'm doing science.

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Scientists say astronauts traveling to
Mars should line the walls of their

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spacecraft with their own feces to
protect against space radiation.

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That is crazy.

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Smearing your own feces on the wall
really does protect against cosmic rays.

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I think Embassy Suites owes Amanda Bynes
an apology.

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Check out those bunny horns. Playboy is
launching a Hebrew -language edition of

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their men's magazine.

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All the models will be Israeli, and all
their turn -ons will be negotiating for

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more turn -ons.

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Now let's get into this one. The state
of Hawaii has just passed the Stephen

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Tyler Act.

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which protects celebrities from the
paparazzi after embarrassing photos were

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taken of Tyler and his girlfriend at the
beach house.

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She was on the beach, and he was resting
on his stick under a heat lamp eating

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crickets.

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I don't know what to think about this
one. A transgender MMA

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fighter who was born a man has set her
sights on fighting in the UFC.

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She says she has no advantage over
naturally born women, except for the

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that she's reasonable.

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You know that's what they're like.

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You know it.

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God, we're so different.

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Here's a joke. Here's a joke for the
whole family.

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The director of the video for the
classic Fuji song, Killing Me Softly, is

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trial for impregnating three of his
daughters to create a pure bloodline.

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Yeah, that is terrible.

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Now I have that song stuck in my head.

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Now, this story is just cute enough.

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Actress Allison Hannigan has taken out a
restraining order against the stalker

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who's been threatening to kill her.

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Of course, Hannigan is best known for
How I Met Your Mother, American Pie, and

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Living at 1442 Limbar Drive, West
Hollywood, California.

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And finally, stay classy.

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A man in San Diego has been charged with
assaulting a woman he met through a

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Christian dating website.

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It's like the old saying goes, when you
see one set of footprints, that's when I

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was raping you.

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That was a great monologue.

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My man!

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Now, kids, we joke around a lot on this
show, but this next piece is close to my

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heart. Last week, a man in New Zealand
was attacked by a 14 -foot great white

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shark. Was he killed?

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You bet your sweet ass he was killed.

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And he had a family and everything.

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And as the Jets will make offensive, a
great white attack is a black tie

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So chain up the doors and light the
ceiling on fire. It's time for Shark

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for a second.

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I'm so excited I can barely control
myself.

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Do you know that sharks have been around
for over 400 million years?

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They're perfect killing machines.

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They mostly eat fields.

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Sharks don't even like the taste of
people, but that's why tonight is so

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special.

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Let's bring it down again. I'm just too
fired up.

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Kids, I don't think we appreciate sharks
enough.

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These majestic creatures keep our oceans
clean, and we kill them for their fins.

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We should be giving sharks the keys to
our cities and all the money we give our

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teachers.

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So when a shark kills a man, you've got
to give thanks.

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made this all possible.

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Smile, you son of a bitch.

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And that brings this year's total to
people killed by sharks, one.

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Sharks killed by people, 17 million.

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Jedis, full bellies, can't lose.

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We'll be right back with Doug Benson and
Brian Posse.

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Welcome back to the Jeselnik Offensive.
Kids, in Hollywood, image is everything.

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And the paparazzi are everywhere.

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But celebrities can't look their best
all the time, and sometimes they get

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caught. For instance, Jennifer Lopez
looks flawless here. Truly America's

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Rican princess.

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But have you seen her five -year -old
daughter without makeup?

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Yuck.

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More like Jenny from The Blah.

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This little Jersey girl looks like she
got hit by Hurricane Sandy.

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Hey, kid, how about putting in some
effort next time?

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No moss.

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Now, Tom Cruise is the biggest movie
star in the world, and it's easy to see

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why. He's always perfectly put together.
But check out his six -year -old

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daughter without makeup.

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Whoa.

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This little sign of the Church of
Scientology needs to get herself to a

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of cosmetology.

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Suri looks like she's starring in
Mission Impossible Gross Protocol.

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Suri, it's time to put down your toys
and pick up some lipstick or something.

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mean, Jesus.

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Now, we were introduced to the
unparalleled beauty of Kate Hudson in

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Almost Famous. She's truly stunning.

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But wait until you see her precious nine
-year -old son without any makeup

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whatsoever.

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with celebrity kids without makeup.

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Hey, hey, with a panel, and people say
we panel around.

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It's panel.

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From Comedy Central's The Sarah
Silverman Program and the writer of

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Deadpool comics, please welcome the
hilarious Brian Postain.

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And from Super High Me and his new doc,
The Greatest Movie Ever Rolled,

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available now at chill .com, my pal Doug
Benson.

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You're actually the person who started
the backlash against Nickelback. Is that

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true?

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Maybe, but I think really anybody could
have done it.

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All you need are ears.

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Now, Doug, you just performed on a
cruise.

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After that whole Carnival Cruise fiasco,
why would you do that?

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Both boats are shit boats, and the boat
I was on...

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was a 311 cruise, the band.

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I don't want to say that their fans are
really into drugs, but it was more like

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the good shit boat.

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I'll take that.

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Now let's get right into it with the
best worst thing of the week. Of all the

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awful news stories, this one's my
favorite.

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Nobody puts baby in a coffin.

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A baby infected with the virus that
causes AIDS appears to have been cured

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the disease.

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It's like magic.

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Now, guys, it's important to note the
difference between HIV and AIDS.

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AIDS is the funnier one.

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I had HIV once, but then... But then I
got to draw four more Scrabble

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tiles, and it was fine.

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Without a doubt, though, baby AIDS is
the cutest AIDS there is. By far.

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By far.

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I'm just waiting for an AIDS -cured ham.

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That sounds delicious.

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I want to know about the other baby that
gave that baby AIDS.

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All right, now, we're all comedians
here.

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How is a baby being cured of AIDS going
to affect your act now? You know, what

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is now the go -to funny way for a baby
to take a dirt nap?

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Like, I'm going to go on a limb and say
suicide by cop.

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Put that gun down, baby.

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Benjamin buttoning would be another way.
That's a good, that's a funny one. Fun

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way for babies to go.

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Mob hit.

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Mob hit's good.

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Mob hit's good.

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When a baby's in a mob hit, does it
sleep with the guppies?

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Just thought of that.

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Tying into your earlier bit, a baby
shark attack would be terrific. Baby

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attack would be great.

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Little adorable frenzy. Tiny little
adorable baby sharks. They just want to

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him.

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And now for our segment, culture
clubbing. We take a baseball bat to the

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shop of human intellectual achievement,
where sometimes we just rap about weed.

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Lawmakers in Colorado are debating
whether to set strict THC blood level

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for people found driving under the
influence of marijuana.

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Or maybe they're not, and we're all just
being paranoid.

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I think this brings up a really
interesting question. If they start

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these laws in California, can someone
give me a ride home?

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I'm here, and I got here safely.

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I think maybe a bigger question is, what
if it's not about the THC levels in our

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bodies? What if it's actually people in
our bloodstream and our bodies are just

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ecosystems? Did you ever think about
that, man?

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No? I couldn't follow that.

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I'm so high right now, I think I saw you
get a lap dance from a shark.

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Now, if you guys saw someone driving
stoned, how would you know they were

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stoned? Oh, they'd have a bumper sticker
that says, how am I driving? Seriously,

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how am I driving?

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How am I pulling this shit off?

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They left their awesome pet snake on top
of the car by mistake.

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Or they're actually sitting on top of
the car. Yeah.

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In a bathrobe.

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They're the ones that are obeying all
the traffic laws because they don't want

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to get caught driving while they're
stoned.

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Very true.

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Now, up next is for the ladies. We talk
about the things that interest women,

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like shoes, purses, and semen.

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Whatever you do, don't art in my hair.

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A New York art school student who
created a piece of art featuring 68

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his own semen in a mini -fridge had it
seized by school officials who felt it

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was a health and safety issue.

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Guys, this is insane.

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Whatever happened to convincing our
young artists they should show more

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That little fridge is officially the
world's worst mini -bar.

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What comes me out is that's art.

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But when I pee in a Slurpee cup, I'm
disgusting.

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What would your art project be like
based on your own semen?

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I would build a model submarine.

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And then fill it with my semen.

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Last year I did the Statue of David on
my wife's back.

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Those are both great answers.

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that I'm sure we'll be testifying about
later.

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Out of the frying panel and into the
panel, we'll be right back with more

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Man.

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But we look at the lighter side of
dating shenanigans.

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Well, don't just lie there.

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That's what the corpse is for.

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An Illinois couple is charged with
murdering two guys and then having sex

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of the bodies.

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I'm not sure I want to make jokes about
this story.

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I'm not really necrophilin it.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I think two dead corpses is more just
like the ultimate Japanese body pillow.

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Yeah, they're not that weird.

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No.

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They're cool.

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They put bags on the heads of the
bodies, which I would do, too, because

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I'm trying to make love to my lady, I
don't want some dead, creepy, staring

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looking at me.

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I don't need that.

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But instead of putting bags on, why
don't you just do one of those?

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You know what I mean?

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And you know she takes it in the butt.

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On top of the dead body?

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Because when you're having sex on top of
dead bodies, you've run out of things

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to do.

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What they did is like group sex, but
with half the chatter.

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This brings me to a game I want to play
with you guys. It's called Corpse Orgy,

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Hot or Not.

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I'm going to give you the dead bodies.
Oh, that old game.

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Yeah.

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Play the home version.

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Yeah, yeah. Let's do it on TV. I'm going
to give you the dead bodies and the

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room, and then show you a picture of a
woman. You tell me whether or not you

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would have sex with her on top of the
bodies. All right? You guys ready? Okay.

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All right, there's your bodies.

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I'm going to set the mood for you guys.

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First, Kate Upton.

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Yes.

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00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:33,030
I'd have sex with her on a thousand
corpses.

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00:16:33,710 --> 00:16:37,270
I would have sex with a thousand corpses
to get to her. Yes.

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I'd have sex with Kate Upton on top of
my mom.

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00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,390
Dead or alive.

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00:16:48,370 --> 00:16:50,190
That is impressive.

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Up next, Queen Latifah.

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Keep in mind, she is royalty.

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What do you think, yes or no?

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Can I do the corpses instead?

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Of course you can once you've finished
chewing on them.

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Doug, you're excited.

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What do you got?

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I didn't have anything, really. I was
just going to say, she seems like a nice

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lady.

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But, uh... All right, up next, it's our
Jessalynick Offensive 2 for Tuesday.

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Abby and Brittany.

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Abby and Brittany. What do you think?
Yes or no?

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I had to actually look up who they were.
Really?

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And the answer is yes. Yeah.

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The one on the left.

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Are there two holes?

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No idea.

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I'm sure their lawyers will tell you.
No, there are two holes, but two front

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holes?

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I don't know.

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I don't think anything goes with these
two ladies.

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I would have sex with them just because
the less weird aspect of the story would

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be the corpse thing.

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Now it's time to put a noose around your
neck and kick out the chair.

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It's defending your tweet.

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You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it
and ask you to defend it in front of

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all these people.

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Doug, you are first.

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On January 8th, you tweeted the
following.

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Bad service on my flight home.

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asked for an ice water, and the
attendant brought me a fly swatter. In

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defense, they do sound similar.

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Doug, defend your tweet. How high were
you when you wrote this?

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How high was I?

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How high was the flight attendant when
she gave me a fly swatter?

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Why would she even think someone's
asking for that?

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00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:46,860
I don't know. How many times did you ask
her for the fly swatter?

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I had cotton mouth. I needed a lot of
fly swatter.

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All right, Brian.

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This is one of my favorite tweets ever.

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On September 19th, you tweeted, re
-watching The Myth, would I be the first

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to jerk it to Marcia Gay Harden getting
shot in the forehead?

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Brian Posain, defend your tweet.

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00:19:11,170 --> 00:19:12,049
All right.

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00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:13,230
Let me set the scene.

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So I'm re -watching The Myth.

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And I'm masturbating.

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And Marsha K. Harden comes on.

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What happens then? I wrote the tweet.

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But she does get shot in the head. I was
like, I gotta stop.

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00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,960
You gotta pause. Yeah, yeah. You gotta
pause and tweet this. I'll be back to

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00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:32,960
you, buddy.

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This is totally tweetable.

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Well, your penis sounds patient.

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00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,280
Well, thank you guys so much for being
here tonight.

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00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,880
Catch Brian's hour special, The Fartist.

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00:19:44,410 --> 00:19:48,230
Available now on Netflix and subscribe
to the Doug Loves Movies podcast on

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00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,330
iTunes. We'll be right back with more
stuff.

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00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:10,490
Thanks again to Doug Benson and Brian
Posehn. Also get tickets for my new

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00:20:10,490 --> 00:20:15,250
tour at anthonyjeselnik .com. Follow me
on Twitter at anthonyjeselnik. And at

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00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:19,650
the show blog at cc .com slash jeselnik.
We'll see you next week. Before I go,

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let's take a look back at the best
moments from tonight's show.

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Come on. Come on, little buddy. You can
do this.

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00:20:28,150 --> 00:20:29,750
Come on, Osama. You got this.

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00:20:30,190 --> 00:20:32,050
Come on, Osama. Just a few more steps.

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00:20:32,390 --> 00:20:33,890
And you did it! You did it!

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00:20:35,580 --> 00:20:38,660
Come here. I'm so proud of everything
you've done.

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00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,280
Everything.